Monthly Archives: March 2008

Out of touch with myself


I was thinking about how the most brilliant people, who develop ground-breaking theories and win Nobel prizes, are always so consumed with their work that they do little else. The vast majority of people have much broader interests and experience in life.

Academics may not all be Einsteins or Hawkings but they seem generally to be more consumed with their work than the average person.

I don’t feel at all consumed, at the moment. But then, I have just moved flats. I guess most people take at least a day off for moving.

The other obvious factor limiting my enthusiasm is the low confidence. But the observation that there are some extreme people really into their work is relevant to the question of whether it’s just fear that’s limiting me. Presumably it is not fear that’s preventing your average academic becoming the next Einstein. So there are other factors, I just don’t know what they are.

I hate to be so anti-feminist, but I do wonder if gender is one of them. (With the caveat that there would always be exceptions.)

In any case, I’m reminded that I still don’t really know who I am. I’m so busy trying to shoehorn myself into some sort of niche and worrying about what happens if I can’t, that I am totally out of touch with myself. Repressed and subdued, depressed and confused. A pale shadow trying to belong.

The thing is, if I’m going to make life work for me, then whatever role I take on, I have to bring me to it. I have to wear it, not let it wear me.