I have been on a bit of downer ever since I got back from holiday really. My thinking has become very rigid and negative again. This seems to be what happens whenever I start to feel incompetent; I spiral into a depressive vortex.
The essence of it is that I see the world as a hostile place where I am unfit for survival and quite disconnected from it – downtrodden, left behind. My requirements of myself become higher as a result of this pessimistic outlook, and hence the distress at not meeting those requirements.
There are certain characteristics I feel are inherent to me. The tendency to be discouraged easily. The inclination to focus on details rather than the big picture and therefore not to feel generally knowledgeable about or engaged with my work area. Perhaps my mental state is best managed by picking an appropriate type of work (I don’t know what that is). But I ought to be able to learn how to avoid the spiral into the vortex. I mean, when I’m in that place I find myself believing things I don’t really believe. Wanting and needing things that aren’t in line with my best values – I was never materialistic. Crushed by apathy, I haven’t the energy for faith; I would opt out and give up if I could. So I need to put some effort into working out how to curb that tendency.
I really dislike being this way. But in some cultures it’s viewed as absurd to even question your self-worth. A large part of this is probably a culture of competitiveness and overvaluing achievement. I will try to remember that.