Me and work these days


For a long time I have felt like I am wading through treacle. And I have gotten tired and upset from the effort. My energy and confidence has been sapped pretty much all the time.

I chose a motivational piece of music and am regularly listening to it while imagining the kind of productive person I want to be and how good it will feel. Then when I feel tempted to do something else instead of working, I mentally play this piece of music to bring back the motivation. The only problems are (1) it is stuck in my head all the time!! (2) the first time I heard it, I was reading about the Silver Spring monkeys and this disturbing memory seems to have been frozen into it, which is not very motivational for me. 😆 But I still think it should help.

But the biggest ongoing challenge is setting goals and fixing my beliefs to allow me to reach them.

I had in mind being completely on top of everything and working productively all hours of the day and night. But then I thought this is probably an extreme, and not realistic or necessary. Maybe the whole reason I am exhausted in the first place is that I have this rigid, black-and-white measure of success and expect myself to run through the treacle.

And yet, that’s not the whole story – some people can demand big things of themselves and not crumble under the stress. What’s the difference? I guess it’s in the way they respond to the sensation of struggling. It doesn’t get them down like it gets me down.

In all likelihood I am finding things just as difficult as most people. The only problem is that it feels utterly horrible to me. It feels like something is horribly, horribly wrong. Which can only be a reflection of underlying pessimistic thoughts and attitudes that need to be rooted out. I simply can’t afford to sabotage myself by holding onto them any longer.

I think about Einstein a lot these days, I pass his portrait in the JCMB when I go for coffee and carrot cake and I remember what I read of him in “The Trouble With Physics”. We all work very differently and we all have our own strengths.

I think he was probably a good laugh to be around.


6 responses »

  1. I love the part about the motivational music and the two drawbacks to it! Sorry, but I just found that cute. 😀

    Love the picture, too! And carrot cake … yeah, I saw that. 😉

  2. This reminds me of a conclusion I’d reached about myself and sports. I see my son (and others like him) in full-out exertion, and loving that feeling! Me, all I feel is exhausted.

    Oh, I hope you decouple the monkeys from your song! That sounds horrible.

  3. How are things going now? Habits certainly die hard sometimes..once you let unproductive behaviours get in there and become habit. I have similar troubles.

    You are right some people are more able to push themselves to do certain work. I wonder if it’s a combination of both a different makeup but also having the drive for a particular achievement as well. Passion can take you a long way.

    I was really sad when I read about the Silverspring Monkeys..I never knew about that before. I see that some people say it was staged but I have noticed through my study in Psych that animals are used a lot. On the whole I simply don’t agree with that. I think in science sometimes the passion for achievment as I mentioned above can push people to do very horrid things.

    • Things are going a bit better now, I’m still feeling like I’m struggling but at least I’m managing not to get so distracted.

      I definitely think passion/drive is important, but I’m beginning to understand that we all have that in us, we are naturally curious and creative, just sometimes it doesn’t get encouraged.

      I’m not sure how I feel about animal experiments either. I think it’s appalling that they were kept in such terrible unsanitary conditions, if that is indeed how things were, and I’m glad that there was this public outcry which put in place regulations for that. As for the ethics of actually doing this type of experiment on animals… it’s something I’m very unsure about. If they are similar enough to humans for the results to be relevant to human neurology, then aren’t they similar enough to humans to deserve similar ethical treatment? It’s something I’d have to read up on to understand the thinking behind it. I just know I could not participate in it. But then I could not slaughter animals for meat either… there’s lots of things I couldn’t do. :S

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