For a long time I have felt like I am wading through treacle. And I have gotten tired and upset from the effort. My energy and confidence has been sapped pretty much all the time.
I chose a motivational piece of music and am regularly listening to it while imagining the kind of productive person I want to be and how good it will feel. Then when I feel tempted to do something else instead of working, I mentally play this piece of music to bring back the motivation. The only problems are (1) it is stuck in my head all the time!! (2) the first time I heard it, I was reading about the Silver Spring monkeys and this disturbing memory seems to have been frozen into it, which is not very motivational for me. 😆 But I still think it should help.
But the biggest ongoing challenge is setting goals and fixing my beliefs to allow me to reach them.
I had in mind being completely on top of everything and working productively all hours of the day and night. But then I thought this is probably an extreme, and not realistic or necessary. Maybe the whole reason I am exhausted in the first place is that I have this rigid, black-and-white measure of success and expect myself to run through the treacle.
And yet, that’s not the whole story – some people can demand big things of themselves and not crumble under the stress. What’s the difference? I guess it’s in the way they respond to the sensation of struggling. It doesn’t get them down like it gets me down.
In all likelihood I am finding things just as difficult as most people. The only problem is that it feels utterly horrible to me. It feels like something is horribly, horribly wrong. Which can only be a reflection of underlying pessimistic thoughts and attitudes that need to be rooted out. I simply can’t afford to sabotage myself by holding onto them any longer.
I think about Einstein a lot these days, I pass his portrait in the JCMB when I go for coffee and carrot cake and I remember what I read of him in “The Trouble With Physics”. We all work very differently and we all have our own strengths.
I think he was probably a good laugh to be around.